Life after Loss

The shortest verse in the New Testament, "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). Two words that hold together a complete thought. These are brief and profound words. I can relate to these words for they speak about my condition and maybe yours.

Yesterday I encountered two pieces of information that have spun into this post. In the first, two "Christian comedians" were required to spend part of a night in a cemetery as the cast chose two contestants who would be labeled for "execution." One of the two commented about the strange-ness of the experience and then went straight to speaking about the hope of resurrection.

The second piece of information that led to this posting came from a more academic viewpoint. Brian Lowery, managing editor for the on-line"Preaching Today Sermon Newsletter," wrote:

"Which day is worse: the day of the funeral or the day after? I would argue it's the day after. At least the "day of" has you surrounded by loved ones who can pick you up and carry you, if need be. The day after is when the house goes deafeningly quiet. The day after is when you notice that a particular chair at the table is empty. The day after is when the world bats down the rest of the levy you had built against it."

Mr. Lowery should be congratulated for his words. As I look back upon the losses in my life they have often been overwhelmed with so much activity and "confusion" that staying upright and moving was enough all by itself. Each of us responds to loss in a different way. Our individuality in this area will shine through.

We learn how to grieve as part of the non-realized experience of growing up. Perhaps we were not intentionally paying attention, however part of our brain made a record of the events in our sub-conscious that we could refer to later. First griefs, and success in working through them, impact upon this base of knowledge. Each loss, the depth and breadth of that loss, and how "we" work through that loss is then added to these experiences and how we resolve, or get stuck, in future losses.

Then we come to Jesus. The Son of God (by my understanding fully God who took on teh fullness of humanity to become intimate and redeeming) who had full knowledge and awareness of the state of Lazarus in his death. Jewish belief held that the soul of an individual stayed near the body for the first days. The reason for this belief may be guessed at and considered at another opportunity. Lazarus had been in the ground for four days. He was a righteous man and an intimate friend of Jesus, brother of Mary and Martha. The exact situation of his soul will vary according to your theological position. Jesus came and was with Martha (a serious, active, and hands-on woman who challenged Him. (In case you wonder, God has room for your challenges.) He came and saw Mary, a woman whose emotions were far more visible. Both women were grieving in their own individual ways. And Jesus came to the tomb. He stood there. And "Jesus wept."

I have sat and listened to many who struggle with this shortest of verses. There are those who hold that Jesus was showing support for those who were grieving; if so His actions would be less than truthful. Others hold that Jesus was experiencing sadness for all that these friends had worked/were working through. Yet, perhaps and most likely, Jesus was wept for He was grieving. There are many who struggle with this thought. Yet, it seems most natural.

The comedians, noted above, seemed to have separated themselves from the pain of loss. Do not think poorly of them. They are merely reacting to loss and how they have chosen to define that experience.

Mr. Lowery brings about an awareness that the pain, and change of loss are broader then a few days. That the adjustments required with loss are broad and ongoing.

A Common Experience

You and I will work through loss throughout our lives. One of the earliest of experiences being when a parent/caregiver did not run to our sides when we, as babies, cried. As you look upon your life you may recall countless losses and accompanying grief experiences.

(As I write this my mind goes back to a favorite childhood teacher who announced that she was called to the mission field. She was excited. I was devastated.)

Might you take a moment to go back and recall some of your losses. As you make your list take a moment to reflect on them. In some situations you will find that letting go was essential to growing. (A parent leaving you to struggle through something on your own.)

Others, might surprise you. These may be losses that you left unfinished. Losses that were too painful! If you find some pain there you might take a moment and quietly sit there and leave room for your grief.

There may be some active processes that you are in the midst of resolving. Grief is an active part of all of our lives! Some losses may be major ones and others not as notable. Choose your own label regarding how painful a particular loss is to you. No one else can label the depth of your loss. Take time to grieve.

Grief will not wander off with out some attention. You can choose to pack it away and hope it will disappear. But unresolved loss always claims part of your life/how you will live and respond to future loss.

Yes, Mr. Lowery, the day following the funeral are days filled with grief. When I think back upon funerals where I have been the family or friend who experienced the loss I find that I did not stop grieving following the funeral. The days of approaching the funeral are days packed with deep emotions. (One funeral director regularly records the actual funeral and offers it to the bereaved for he believes that the family often hears nothing of the actual words spoken.) Only in the days that follow are we allowed the time necessary to work through the loss and begin coming to grips with the changes that loss/death brings.

I encourage you to work through your individual loss at your own pace. As necessary find a good friend, trusted clergy, and, if necessary, a professional counselor to work through your pain. Work through the pain and make adjustments at your own pace. The amount of time this will take will vary. You are an individual and your loss is your loss and no one elses.

You will likely find that your individual strengths, your faith, and your way of addressing life will lead to an ability to function in the days that follow. Some memories of your loved one, or lost experiences/strength, may lead to future strengths. Other memories will cause you to go back and grieve a little more. (The other day I moved the flag that had covered my father's coffin at his funeral, and I found myself giving thanks for him and grieving a little bit more.)

Find strength in the shortest of verse "Jesus wept" (John 11:35) and know that Jesus' tears/weeping was not put on or outside of Himself. Rather, Jesus experienced grief